The Book

Blogged after bedtime

To my sweet Paxton,

Your Nana has promised me that she will not let you read a book that she’s written about her life with your grandpa, and your daddy and his brothers. But there are enough copies floating around that you may stumble across it anyway. And if you do, I want you to be able to read my perspective on it. Your daddy doesn’t want me to address this right now, or probably ever, because it’s going to ruffle some feathers. But the fact of the matter is, he enabled your Nana to have her truth put into written word – and he needs to let my voice be heard.

Paxton, the correlation your Nana makes between the tragedies of Ryder and Todd and you – just isn’t real. You are not the latest reincarnation of their soul. You are your own person, your own soul, and you are the perfect blend of your daddy and I. Your Nana’s heart was broken when she lost her son – something so horrific that I can’t even imagine it – and she wrote this book as a way to heal herself. And she takes great comfort in thinking that you are a part of Todd in some way. She sees what she needs to see.

Your due date of March 27 was Todd’s birthday, and a key indicator in your Nana’s case. But that due date came and went, and you decided not to be born on that date. You are doing this life YOUR way and you’ve shown us that you are not another link in this tragic chain. Plus, mother’s instinct is real – and I know, in my heart of hearts, that you are not a part of this.

I could have insisted that your Nana remove the book’s numerology section related to your birthday. But I couldn’t bring myself to censor another human, another mother, who has such pain.

The one thing your Nana and I can both agree on is that you are JOY. As I write this, you are ten months old, and full of smiles and happiness. You radiate such positivity that people, even strangers, are continually charmed by you. I am amazed by you, I am proud of you, and I love you.


Love always,

Your mom



Paxton’s Sixth Month

Blogged while taking a vacation day that turned into a baby-sitting day. 

This is one of my favorite months with Paxton so far. He was super smiley, happy, active and cute.


IMG_8269Paxton’s first tailgate was at Jo-Ann’s rooftop pool. It turned out to be quite the landmark season for UGA football, and I say that’s because of the personal blessing Vince Dooley gave Paxton.




Paxton and I ended up leaving the game-watching party pretty early. It was hot, and I was worried about Paxton overheating. Plus, I had to pump. So, we go home to do the usual gymnastics of me being attached to the pump and trying to entertain Paxton (this is stressful/exhausting). After I’m done, I put him on the middle of our bed while I wash pump parts in the bathroom. All of a sudden, I hear a thump and I know immediately what happened: Paxton rolled right off the bed. Now, our bed is higher off the ground than normal beds so he had a way to drop. Paxton is screaming, I’m freaking out. I end up calling Gayle (retired nurse, mom, grandma, and all things wise and comforting) who tells me that he’s probably fine and mentions a few concerning symptoms to watch out for, in case of a concussion. As I’m writing this 5 months later…I haven’t put him on our bed since.


First Caffeine & Octane car show with daddy


Meeting his first Harley with Unkie Steve


Is this Santa?



This truce wouldn’t last for long…


Meeting Uncle Chris for the first time


Cuddling with Aunt Vann


The boys rigged this set-up to watch our first away game of the season


Gnawing on Gayle’s necklace at Big Green Egg event


Rolling around with Grammi


Looking cute on a cold day


Sleepy snuggles with Nana


Pumping in the backseat (Ugh x a million)

We had to get part of our floors redone, due to a leak from the upstairs guest bathroom to the main floor. It happened while I was pregnant and I thought it would be less annoying to deal with after the baby arrived. Dumb, dumb. So, we rented an Airbnb in Atlantic Station (walking distance to daycare) and moved the family over. It was roomy one-bedroom condo but we made the mistake of putting Paxton’s crib in our bedroom for the first few nights. With my super-human mom hearing, I woke up every time he rolled over or sighed or made a peep. I was completely exhausted and complaining to a work-mom-friend who, quite obviously, recommended to put him somewhere else – maybe in the closet (ha!). That wasn’t really an option, but we put the crib in the hallway between bedroom and bathroom…ah sweet sleep relief.


Minnie, on the other hand, had the best sleep ever in the Airbnb’s giant beanbag.


Early morning pump sesh with Paxton in his office


Trying to get him interested in books…



Back home!


❤ Minnie ❤


Paxton is in the back of the photo, with Ms. Carletta


Paxton is on the left


Practicing standing!


On a date with Saylor


Paxton is in the middle, white/gray shirt, leaning forward


Below are a bunch of short Paxton videos. This is the best one:

Paxton’s Sixth Month Milestones and Noteables:

  • Making lots of talking noises, much more than before.
  • Voluntarily stopped using a pacifier.
  • Started sitting up on his own.
  • Rolling around a lot.
  • Loves to chew on the tags from toys…rather than the toys themselves. The caterpillar is still the go-to toy to distract a cranky Paxton.
  • Does NOT like having boogers wiped from his nose.
  • Spitting up more frequently.
  • Holds up his hand, looks at it, turns wrist, looks at it.
  • Flicks wrist when holding toys.
  • When falling asleep in crib, holds legs straight out and thumps against mattress.
  • Super-super squirmy when eating, not taking more than 5oz per bottle, usually 4 oz.
  • Starts to seriously protest being put in his car seat.
  • Dropped his afternoon nap?? Down to two naps a day.
  • Loves painted toenails, tries to gum them.
  • Started getting up on all fours, and rocking back-and-forth. Getting ready to crawl!
  • October 2: first solid food! Sweet potatoes mixed with breast milk.

Paxton’s Fifth Month & Trip to the Cape

Blogged at 6:00am on a Saturday because that’s when we wake up now.

When Paxton was four months old, we embarked on his first airplane flight, to visit Great-Grammy on the Cape! But a few notables before that trip…


Hanging out on the quilt Jen B. made!


Precious sleeping baby


Tea for Baby Baker #2! (Who we now know is a girl and named Emerson)


This must have been the first time Paxton wore jammies, if I took a picture. (His bedroom gets warm in the summer.) A gift from Lorraine!


Trying on his beach hat!




Rocking with Grammi

And now for the big adventure…


Lactation pod at Hartsfield, in case you were wondering what one looked like.


A concerningly high level of excitement as we settled on to the plane…

All-in-all, Paxton was well-behaved on the plane. We were cringing at how loud he was (warbling and making noise but not crying). Paxton charmed the flight attendants (thankfully) and earned his first wings pin!

We finally arrived in Boston, where Mom picked us up and took us to a restaurant – where P had the biggest blow-out I’ve ever seen, and we had to change him on a 2-foot x 2-foot nightstand in the bathroom. Anyway, on to Great-Grammy’s house!


Meeting Great Uncle Twig for the first time!



Snuggling in with Great Aunt Linda


Cozying up with Great-Grammy!


Very impressed with his first trip to the beach (Red River Beach in Harwich)



Sand for the first time!

Here’s a video of the first time Paxton’s piggy toes touched the ocean!


Slobbery baby kisses!


The next day, Mom hosted at meet-the-baby get-together at Grammy’s house. As some type of only-Mom-can-do-it miracle, she baby-sat Paxton while Jason and I went to the beach — and got the food ready for the party at the same time!


Paxton and Aunt Susan


Meeting Aunt Debbie


Meeting Lorraine!


Meeting Uncle Tony! Had lots of fun playing with tissue paper and Uncle Tony.

It was a lovely trip to the Cape. Wish we could have stayed longer!


Back at home! Everyone was exhausted.


Just about to fall asleep…




Mornings at Bright Horizons (day care)


Dropping off at Bright Horizons





Hanging out with Grandpa


Visiting the Bakers!



❤ Minnie ❤


Other videos, listed in order of cuteness:

Paxton’s Fifth Month Milestones and Noteables:

  • August 5: Officially dropped the swaddle at bedtime.
  • Loves to chew on the tags of baby toys.
  • August 8: Rolls from back to side when sleeping.
  • Rolls into the slats of his crib and cries.
  • Makes lots of loud giggles and talking sounds.
  • August 24: brought home a vicious stomach flu bug that made Paxton miserable and wiped out me and Grammi too.
  • Makes a fish hook in his mouth with his fingers.
  • Really rolling around quickly.
  • August 30: sat up in baby tub all by himself!
  • Lots of biting of the lower lip.

Paxton’s Fourth Month

Blogged during Paxton’s nap, after waffles and in-between doing the dishes.

After the trials and tribulations that occurred when my dad visited us for 10 days when Paxton was a newborn, inexplicably, he decided it was time to move to Atlanta. To live in the same state as me for the first time in 20 years. To “be a part of Paxton’s life.” Hearing this coming from a parent who was only a father to me when it was convenient for him, went over like a lead balloon. [Come to find out later on that the real motivation behind his move to Atlanta was for a woman, of course.]

Even more bizarrely, my dad wanted this move to be a birthday (present?) surprise to me. Lots of gossip floating around, which thank goodness, gave me a heads up to his plans, and then one evening I get the call: “hi honey, I moved to Atlanta, I’m here with all of my stuff in a moving truck! Surprise!” He chose to live in a neighborhood about an hour away from our house but did come over once every other week to mow our lawn – which is very kind. Oddly, my dad would visit/mow on Saturday mornings, when I play tennis. And as soon as I’d get home from playing, he would leave. It felt like he was avoiding me? Anyway, Jason is a saint for hanging out with my dad for hours on those mornings.

Time for photos from Paxton’s fourth month!


Anna and Bucho came over for a visit! Paxton loved all the attention from a pretty lady. 🙂


Dinner time!


Learning about textures at Bright Horizons (P is in reddish shirt).


Littles cleaning their paws


Bath time!


Paxton and me


We do NOT miss cleaning those green bottle straws!


Jason FALLING ASLEEP while feeding Paxton (in the middle of the day, no less). How…?


Looks a little cross-eyed but so cute



Hanging out with his favorite whale!


Family walk and Minnie is on max leash extension…won’t go without me!


Blowing bubbles


Will tolerate being in this chair for no more than 5 minutes


“Don’t forget about meeeeeee!” (I never would!)


Jason got me tickets to a “girls night out” show – very sweet gesture.


This was a very common baby-holding position

Some cute videos:


Hanging with Gena!


Where we take many walks with Minnie. They mowed a heart into the grass! ❤


Keeping Dad company


Big smiles when in motion


Keeping it Irish green with Grammi!


Minnie snuck into the day’s outfit photo


Still loves her hedgehog!


Little vs. Little



Four months old!

Paxton’s Fourth Month Milestones and Noteables:

  • July 5: first fever. 😦 I stayed home from work and Grammi came over to help.
  • Puts everything in his mouth, everything.
  • July 9: woke up screaming bloody murder and scared me half to death. Crying real tears until Jason soothed back to sleep.
  • Week of July 13: legitimate baby giggles!! So so sweet.
  • Grasps his bottle, will pull it out of his mouth and put back in.
  • July 20: the first night ever, that I had an after-hours work event, and couldn’t put Paxton to bed. 😦
  • Rolls from back to tummy and lifts head.
  • July 22: figured out how to suck his thumb! Good news for weaning off of the pacifier.
  • July 23: developed a barking cough, where he’d cry after every cough, like it scared him (scared us too). The barking cough lasted for about 2 days, with a regular cough following for the next three weeks. Thanks, daycare.
  • Loves to be held in a standing position.
  • Scratches his balls outside of his diaper. (how crass, sorry)
  • Loves the “roller coaster” pose (sitting on an arm, back against our chests, facing out).
  • Smiles and giggles when being swaddled for bedtime.
  • Smiles through bottle when feeding.
  • Rolling over back-to-front.
  • Pulls bottle in and out of mouth.
  • Grips bottle with both little hands.
  • Puts toes in his mouth (taught by Grammi).

Paxton’s Third Month

Blogged while baby naps and husband cleans (he has his moments!)

Let’s start with a photo array, shall we? This is a fraction of what was on my phone – it’s amazing how many photos can pile up over 30 days when you have a baby.

Paxton’s third month was such a turning point. It all slowly seemed to get more doable and manageable. By no means easy, just less impossible. We also started getting back into real life again: out to dinner for Father’s Day and our birthdays, hosted a party, celebrated my birthday – and I went back to work, too. June was a good month.

The biggest focus for us was having 40 of our nearby family and friends over to our house to meet baby Paxton and enjoy delicious food cooked on our Big Green Egg. Remember my mom’s Christmas gift to us? Chef Todd Ginsberg (The General Muir, The Canteen) and Chef Terry Koval (Wrecking Bar) came over and grilled the most delicious chicken – there was a chicken mole, beer can chicken, chicken with chow-chow. I personally didn’t get to have any (too many people to talk to, plus dealing with the baby/pumping). But everyone said the food was yummy. The plan was to have the chefs demo and teach us how to grill on the Egg, but it was just too chaotic, and they just ended up grilling everything. Todd and Terry were so incredibly generous with their time and expertise – I will be forever grateful! Some photos from the party (wish I had more, but alas, the chaos):

After the house party, things got really hectic. First off, Minnie’s birthday! She turned 9, and we celebrated with squirrel chases at Piedmont Park.

We scheduled an at-home photoshoot with a talented photographer K2 worked with before: Anne Simone. Anne was amazing and so lovely to work with. She said that Paxton was such a smiley, happy baby (I love any and all compliments) and I don’t think she was pandering. Plus, she really seemed to take to Minnie, which of course, is the fastest way to my heart. I’d highly recommend Anne to anyone who needs a lifestyle photographer in Atlanta! Oh and if you haven’t gotten enough photos of Paxton and Minnie so far, click here to see everything from the shoot. (Enter your own email address and the password is kelly).

We did our photo session in the morning, and that afternoon was Paxton’s first drop-off at Bright Horizons daycare. Jason (who had taken the day off of work) and I went together, thankfully, because I bawled my eyes out. I will be forever grateful to the sweet teachers and staff at Bright Horizons who were so kind to me when they saw me losing it over leaving Paxton behind. Thank goodness a smart mommy friend recommended trial runs of day care drop-off before actually going back to the office (thanks Jenn Z!). It took 3 more drop-offs before I could do it without crying.

Why the tears? (Besides the fact that it’s all I seem to bring to the table lately.) The obvious is that I’m leaving my baby with a bunch of strangers that he doesn’t know, and who don’t know him. But it’s also the guilt – he deserves better than this, wish once of us could stop working (not me) and stay at home. Add on the internal dialogue that keeps circling: Am I a bad mom because I literally cannot be a stay-at-mom home? Should we have paid a small fortune for a nanny instead of daycare? Will Paxton forget who I am, since he won’t see me all day anymore? Is he going to be sick all of the time from the daycare germs? If he cries, will they love on him or will he be ignored? It’s exhausting.


One of my birthday gifts from Jason – a stacker in honor of having a baby! Conveniently, April’s birthstone is a diamond. 🙂

Starting back to work wasn’t bad at all. I am fortunate to have a boss who is also a mom, and very understanding of the limitations of a working mom (who is also pumping). Us moms can still get our job done, and our job done well – but the format of working hours may look a little different than it was pre-baby.

Before we knew it, Paxton turned 4 months old! Here’s a slideshow of all of the takes it took to get the one 4-month picture:

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Paxton’s Third Month Milestones and Noteables:

  • Held his head up during tummy time without encouragement. Also eventually lifted head and chest up on his own, like a mini push-up.
  • June 3: played in my first mixed doubles tennis match after having the baby. It was fun and good to get back on the courts.
  • Starting to see spit bubbles now.
  • Likes this book of red, black and white shapes with crinkly pages. Paxton likes to punch the pages and crinkle them.
  • June 4: I swear he recognized himself in the mirror!
  • When I eat broccoli, it may give him gas?
  • June 6: took the newborn insert out of the car seat.
  • Started holding on to his bottle.
  • Sucks on his arm a lot, when being held over a shoulder.
  • I finally figured out the Solly baby wrap thing, but of COURSE, Paxton refuses to be held in it. Oh my poor, aching back.
  • June 16: SLEPT 10 HOURS IN A ROW!!! I got 7 hours. Hallelujah!
  • June 18: Really pushing off with his legs during tummy time.
  • Started grabbing and holding to stuffed animals…and my hair.
  • Lots of grabbing things with his little baby hands.
  • As Paxton is starting to wear clothes more frequently (per daycare), he tends to giggle when getting dressed or undressed. Pretty adorable.
  • Consistently holding his head up during tummy time.
  • June 26: Woke up crying from a bad dream, we think. Poor little guy.
  • Jason falls asleep while feeding him a bottle. How..? Why..?
  • June 28: Grammi said he grabbed his weenie and pulled it during a diaper change, and then started crying. Delicate parts there, baby boy!
  • Loves to have us help him stand up and sit down, stand up and sit down, stand up and sit down (thanks for the find, Grammi!)
  • June 30: held head up for 10 whole seconds while on elbows and tummy.
  • Loves the mobile Grammi got him in his crib.
  • Officially dropped the swaddle on during naps, the week of June 26 because daycare will not swaddle.
  • July 1: cried real tears while waiting on a bottle to heat up.
  • July 4: adorable baby giggles while “walking” up dad’s chest.

Paxton’s Second Month

Blogged while Paxton is at day care, practicing for going back to work. Rip my heart out, y’all.

Some photos of the little guy:

4 weeks old, May 5: Parents First Outing! Chris Stapleton at Verizon Wireless Amphitheater while Grammi babysat. Jason bought these tickets as a pick-me-up during the end of my pregnancy when I thought that was rough (HA, joke’s on me).

Paxton slept through the night before the concert, so we were feeling great. The show was outside, it was rainy and freezing – but had such a good time. Even without a drink in my hand! I made us leave before Chris Stapleton played Tennessee Whiskey because I was anxious about not being able to pump/nurse for 4ish hours. We heard him play the song on the walk to the parking lot, sigh.


Waiting for Staci, with leg warmers on!

The next day, we had another appointment with Staci to continue addressing the jaw asymmetry.

Something went haywire with my milk production the next days/week following the concert. I was nursing exclusively the week prior to the concert (using shields). I didn’t know at the time that Paxton wasn’t getting enough milk by nursing. Anne/the LC thinks it was a combination of him not being able to generate enough suction (from the asymmetrical jaw and tongue ties) and the nipple shields. So my body stopped making milk (because it wasn’t being removed) thinking the baby didn’t need it. Ugh! I was despondent about this turn of events, especially because I thought we had been doing better with the nursing. Anne/the LC talked me off a ledge and helped with a plan to re-increase milk supply. Bless that woman!

5 weeks old, May 10: Pediatrician visit. Paxton was underweight at 8 lbs, 14 oz. So the doctor told us to supplement with formula after every feeding. I had started supplementing with formula before the doctor’s visit…mama instincts knew he wasn’t getting enough. I just wish I had figured it out sooner. Because the guilt of finding out that I wasn’t feeding my baby enough – that’s a killer.

Fortunately, Elizabeth connected me with her boss/friend Allison, who also had breastfeeding issues with her son (but not her daughter!). We had a long conversation two days before this doctor’s visit, and Allison finally convinced me that giving your baby formula will not hurt him and that formula-fed babies are FINE. Other people in my life told me the same thing too, but for some reason, I couldn’t accept it until Allison said it to me one evening. After our conversation, I felt this huge flood of relief that if Paxton had to have some formula, he was still going to be ok.

Two days later, we had another visit with Staci for more asymmetry therapy. This would turn out to be our last visit. She thought Paxton showed about a 50% improvement, not a 100%, but some. Due to Atlanta traffic, it ended up taking 2 hours to get there, the 45-min appointment (shortened because we were so late), and 2 hours to get home. I was so frazzled and Paxton was completely upset too – I can’t handle being away from home base for that long again.

One highlight of this rough week: I went back to OrangeTheory, but that was brutal too. Well, here are some cute photos of Paxton at (give or take) 5 weeks old!

We are still working on the at-home massages and stretches that Staci recommended. Paxton makes the cutest faces when we do the stretches – until he decides that he’s over it. Loves having the top of his head rubbed.

Mornings are my favorite times with Paxton. His tummy is full and he’s so sweet and full of smiles. The photos above were taken during one of our mornings together, as he sits with his back against my upright knees. (One of his favorite positions – thanks for the tip, Grammi!) Swoon!

My very first Mother’s Day was this week. Jason took my mom, Paxton, Minnie and I to a picnic at Emory’s park. It was a beautiful day, but man, we had a lot of stuff to shlep from the car. Might have to post-pone any future picnics until Paxton can carry his own weight. 🙂 I was hoping for some type of trinket that I could keep to remember my very first Mother’s Day, but Jason says I’m too hard to shop for. No gift for me!

6 weeks old: Another in-home appointment with Anne/the LC. It didn’t go well, Paxton was really fussy. She performed an exam and weight check (9 lbs, 4 oz, gaining weight, whew!). She thought Paxton’s jaw asymmetry was resolved enough to move forward with seeing a specialist about “revising” Paxton’s tongue and lip ties.  I called immediately, but couldn’t get an appointment with the one doctor (Dr. Bauer) in Atlanta that does the procedure until 2 weeks before I go back to work. I proceed to call every day to see if he has any openings we can squeeze into.

We also had back to the Piedmont Pediatrics for a weight check: 9 lbs, 10 oz. Still gaining!

Paxton got his second lifetime bath this month! He didn’t seem dirty enough to have one sooner, and I was exhausted. Go ahead, judge me. But isn’t Paxton adorable in his hoodie towel?

Paxton pooped on me twice in one day this week. He also got his first baby boogie! A couple of days later, I accidentally sprayed Paxton in face with breastmilk. Haha.

Elizabeth and Aiden came over this week – and brought me presents and lunch!

Look at how Paxton looks at Aiden! He is always captivated by pretty girls. And what good foreshadowing of how Elizabeth will look in a couple of months when her second baby arrives! (Doesn’t even look pregnant, does she?)

More “day-in-the-life” photos above. And yes, that’s Vann doing Paxton’s nails!


This dump truck of mulch would require days of back-breaking work for Jason, and lots of marital strain on us. Freaking mulch.

More day-in-the-life photos above. Look at P’s old-man hairline in the bottom right. And we should start a “where’s Waldo? (Minnie) game, because she’s hidden in the background of so many photos – which I adore.

Nana came for a visit! She made us a delicious lobster and steak dinner, per Jason’s request after a day of mulching. Thanks Nana!

7 weeks old: Parent’s Second Outing! Thanks SEY, for inviting us to Wild Heaven‘s Seventh Anni party!


I told you he likes pretty ladies!

We also had lunch with the ladies from Piece of Cake this week:

On Saturday, per Vann’s recommendation, I had a reflexology + AMI session at SoHA. Something about those sound waves must have triggered something loose – I started pumping about 2-3 oz more per day afterwards. Thank you Vann and Evie!

Most notable for me this week: Paxton starts smiling when he sees me!! Melt my heart.


Lunch with Aunt Tishie!

More day-in-the-life photos below:

8 weeks old: Jason’s 39th birthday! We spent the a celebration day in Athens, with Nana and great-grandma:


On the medical front, after numerous calls to Dr. Bauer’s receptionist, I finally determined that there is another doc in the practice that can evaluate and revise tongue and lip ties. We attended an appointment with her (Dr. Harmon) this week. After an hour wait (resulting in withholding food from P for two hours – per the doctor’s request), he was screaming bloody murder by the time we were able to see the doctor. Paxton was screaming so hard that capillaries burst in his legs. Awful. Never again will I follow “doctor’s orders” like that again. Lesson learned! Anyway, Dr. Harmon said that Paxton does have a moderate lip and tongue tie. But since I’m going back to work so soon – and breastfeeding will be only mornings, nights and weekends – we decided the procedure/recovery process wasn’t worth it. There it is. I really did try everything to get breastfeeding working smoothly, but it isn’t in the cards for Paxton and I. So, I continue to pump and supplement with formula.

Paxton’s Second Month Milestones and Noteables:

  • At about the one-month point, we moved Paxton to sleeping in his crib, instead of our bedroom.
  • He has a charming (?) ability to kick his heels into poops, as soon as you try to change him out the poopy diaper.
  • Poops turned green for a week or so this month. I guess because of the galactagogues I started taking to increase milk production.
  • We are seeing lots of smiles and – the best – open mouth smiles!
  • When we do nurse, Paxton crosses his legs at the ankle and looks completely chilled out and casual.
  • This is going to sound weird, but when I hold him with no shirt on, Paxton wiggles his big toe into my belly button.
  • Sticks out tongue.
  • Waves arms around a LOT.
  • When presented with a pacifier, bottle or nipple, Paxton shakes his head quickly from side-to-side and aggressively sucks it in.
  • He cries after every feeding, no matter how full. Paxton is taking 30 oz a day in bottles of breast milk + formula.
  • Pouts with lower lip out – my mom says I did (still do) this.
  • Paxton’s fontanelle pulses visibly. And you can see his skull molding together. Weird!
  • He bit down on my nipple once – so hard, I almost saw stars.
  • Paxton loves to look at ceiling fans.
  • He makes a funny cry-noise, sounds like a baby pterodactyl (not a typo – did you know it was spelled that way?).
  • Loves to try to shove his entire fist in his mouth.
  • Very vocal during tummy time.
  • Watches animals that dangle from activity gym. Later on the month, starts playing with the animals that dangle. And by playing, I mean punching them with his little baby fists.
  • From the shower’s freezer stash, we ate: chicken tetrazzini, Gena’s corn chowder, mom’s pasta sauce, Jason’s mom’s sausage and kale soup, baked ziti. All were yummmy!
  • May 25: starting to sleep through the night! Well, if you call sleeping 5 or 6 hours in a row “sleeping through the night.”
  • Minnie now demands a water cup be kept on our bedside tables, so she can have us give her water from the cup when requested.

Paxton’s Second Two Weeks

Blogged while baby naps.

3 weeks old, April 19-25: Our first choice for infant care after I return to work, the Suzuki School, requested a family interview this week. We must have failed it because there is “no availability” for the summer session and “it’s too soon to tell” if Paxton will be accepted to the the fall session. Hrmph.

Had my third appointment with the lactation consultant, Julie. We can’t figure out why Paxton’s latches are still painful. She reviews all options outside of breastfeeding with me. I appreciate that, but it seems like Julie has given up, and maybe I should too. Still dealing with painful nipples.

Went to a dermatology appointment to remove and biopsy a suspicious-looking freckle that was found while I was pregnant. I fell asleep on the table!

I call my dad, who is supposed to stay with us for 10 days, and try to ask him not to come. I’m a hot mess with this breastfeeding, plus sleep deprived, depressed and cannot deal with him and our strained relationship on top of all of that. I chicken out and he promises that he will help and I won’t have to entertain him. Dad arrives on Monday, April 24.

On Dad’s third day, I snap at him for eating food brought to us by friends and family who have visited – making a remark like “every one else who has been here has brought us food. You’re the only one who shows up and eats our food instead!” Am I petty? Yes. Keep in mind that I’m hanging on to my sanity by a thread and if you’ve had a baby, then you know how difficult it is to keep yourselves fed. Also, Jason and Dad went grocery shopping the day before and only came home with stuff for one dinner. Why wouldn’t he get whatever food he needed for himself, instead of draining our limited supplies?! Dad doesn’t respond to my comment, but walks out of the house later on that day, saying he’s going for drinks with a friend. No word from him until hours later, when he sends me a text saying that he gathered from my “lecture” that I don’t want him to stay and he’s changed his ticket to go home early. And he’s spending the night out with this “friend.” This sends me down a spiral – sobbing uncontrollably and unable to sleep even though it’s late and Paxton is sleeping (so I should have been). As much anger and resentment that I feel towards my Dad, I don’t want our parting to be on such terms. What if it ends up being the last time I see him?

Jason ends up taking an emergency personal day from work the next day, because I am such a disaster. My mom comes over the next morning, worried about me, and Dad strolls in sometime around lunch. He acts as though nothing is wrong, and starts talking to Mom and I about all he struggles with, per Parkinson’s. After Mom suggests (again) that he go to support groups and while I’m out of the room, she basically tells Dad that I’m really struggling and to cut me some slack. (Love you, Mom!! For dealing with him in the first place and for always being there when I need you.) After that, Dad doesn’t go home early, but doesn’t bring the matter up again. He goes to the store again and grills out for us twice. I could tell he was trying his best, but totally baffled on how to handle me. One of the worst nights with Paxton happened during Dad’s stay. Dad was out on a date (?) with some woman, and Jason and I were hoping to watch a movie and not be mad at each other. Instead, Paxton screamed bloody murder for about 4 hours. No relaxation for us.

I’m glad my dad got to meet Paxton and spend time with him. Without a doubt, Dad was helpful holding Paxton and watching him, while I could do other things and have a break. But the timing of the visit wasn’t good, and I have to have all my energy to work through the emotions of dealing with my dad – and I just couldn’t do it.


Grandpa and Paxton (under Minnie’s watchful eye)


Paxton and Grandpa

Back to the breastfeeding saga…Gayle, who may be my guardian angel, suggested another lactation consultant, Anne Grider, who came highly recommended by a friend of hers. I was able to book Anne’s time quickly and she came to our house to spend almost three hours with Paxton and I. Anne was very thorough and explained everything from feeding positions (bottle and boob) to newborn care to milk supply and how to better use a breast pump. One thing both Anne and Julie did was weigh Paxton before a breastfeeding and after. Anne’s weighted measurement showed Paxton was able to get some milk on his own, which was encouraging. But the pain was still present. Anne diagnosed Paxton with having mandibular asymmetry. That’s basically a misaligned jaw, which was preventing Paxton from nursing correctly (and causing pain for me). If you tilt your head down so that your ear touches your shoulder – we think that’s how Paxton was positioned in utero, for long enough to for his jaw and mouth to be misaligned. Anne said that 80% of her patients (moms who have pain breastfeeding) are dealing with mandibular asymmetry. I was skeptical (and so was our pediatrician). Why would a misaligned jaw cause all these problems? But, I trusted Anne and was also out of other options, and dutifully scheduled an appointment with Anne’s recommended oral motor specialist, Staci Copses. I’m still pumping mostly, and nursing barely at all.


Gayle working her mommy-magic on a crying Paxton


4 weeks old, April 26-May 2: I discovered these nipple shield things – a piece of flexible plastic you use when nursing, which offered enough pain relief to breastfeed. A small victory!

I was stressed with driving an hour to Cumming and an hour back for our first appointment with Staci, but thankfully, my mom went with us to help. Why is it stressful? Paxton was eating about every 1.5-2.5 hours. Even if he ate right before we got in the car (unlikely that I could manage that), he’d be hungry/grumpy right in the middle of the appointment, OR in the car on the way back home. Stressssssss. Anyway, Staci ended up being incredible, and well worth the journey. She massaged Paxton’s face, neck and jaw – Mom and I were both amazed at how she calmed his cries and how Paxton let her put fingers in his mouth and try to loosen up the tightness on his right side. Staci sent me home with lots of notes and exercises to do at home. I felt a little relief from the pain, but not enough to skip the shields. I start exclusively breastfeeding on May 1, and feeling like things are going in the right direction.

I had a post-birth check-up with Dr. Zertuche at four weeks. She’s so great, and I realized that she’s the first person Paxton met when he entered this world! I am happy the timing worked out that way. She spoke with me about postpartum depression (a multiple choice test indicated I had a high likelihood for it). While I was in the thick of the depression, those first 4-5 weeks, I was aware that I was struggling, but thought it was all related to breastfeeding issues. I wouldn’t have ever thought I had postpartum depression – until I read this summary of what it feels like. I experienced almost all of those bullet points. I remember my mom saying to me, “if you don’t get better by Monday, we are calling a doctor to deal with this.” I was in really bad shape.

Jason and I were having a hard time with each other too. Every feeding session was a nightmare for me, and they were frequent. Paxton would squirm and flail his arms around, making it extremely difficult to latch. And then once we did get a latch, it was all pain for 30-40 min a boob. I was beyond exhausted, stressed, frustrated and hurting. So what do I do? Take it out on Jason, who would try to help me, but didn’t know how.

The 3am feedings were the worst. Jason would wake up and try to help with the latches, but would fall asleep a few minutes into it. Irrationally, I would get so mad at him – sleeping peacefully while I am in a literal hell. I yelled at him a lot. I also found myself getting resentful, particularly when Jason was busy with freelance work. Jason was having a hard time adjusting to this new life too, and seemed to need to escape it as well. One afternoon, Paxton was being so difficult and as a result, I was (yet again) crying.  Jason was sitting next to me playing a video game on his iPad. I asked him why he didn’t care that I’m sitting next to him sobbing, and he said that he couldn’t soothe both of us (meaning, me and Paxton) all the time. Good thing we were simply too tired to get divorced! (kidding)

[I’m slow writing these posts, but rest assured that things did eventually get better and I/we am/are fine. So don’t worry!]

I had turned away most people who had asked to visit us, being the hot mess that I was, but my sweet friends Vann and Sarah C. insisted on coming by – with food, treats, magazines and an orchid. I was a mess for most of their visit, but it was so good for me to see them and be reminded that there is a life outside of feedings and diapers. I think Vann cleaned a bathroom while she was here and Sarah’s food keep us fed for days. Love y’all!

Also, we finally broke into the freezer stash of meals from my shower…SEY’s vegetable lasagna was the first thing we ate – delicious!

Paxton’s Milestones and Notables

  • Snorts like a piggy when crying.
  • I became obsessed with Paxton’s little feet. They are just SO cute. Especially the scrunched big toe on his left foot.
  • Still smiling a lot in his sleep. On May 2, he really did smile at me!
  • Classic Paxton move is to poop or pee a clean diaper 10 seconds after it’s changed.
  • Puts index finger, while straightened, all the way in his mouth. (No gag reflex?)
  • Baby acne for about two weeks.
  • Paxton’s feet are always cold. Good thing he has cute socks to wear!
  • Still scratches himself quite a bit, particularly during a crying fit. Those baby fingernails are daggers!
  • Waves arms around like he’s swinging punches.
  • Seems like Paxton is trying to say words already – making verbal noises.
  • Quickest way to stop a cry fest: put Paxton upright over my shoulder and bounce on a stability ball. Like this:
  • Grammi has a few tricks of her own, but the funniest is when she growls back at Paxton – he’s shocked to get a taste of his own medicine!
  • Around May 1, Paxton is MUCH more alert. It’s nice to see a little more humanity instead of a crying, pooping baby-blob.

Hanging with daddy 


Minnie overseeing Paxton’s nap


After Jason gets home from work, I practically sprint out of the house with Minnie for a walk (and a break!). Sometimes Paxton and Jason join us. And yes, we walk in a graveyard!


Pee pads follow Paxton where ever he goes…


A mouse in a Boppy


Paxton meets Great-Grandma!


Snuggles with Grammi


Those eyes!


My favorites


Another favorite position: sitting down, with your knees up, baby resting against your knees. 


Oh yeah. Jason and Steve flew to Dallas to check out a new car for Jason. Here he is in the XJ L Supercharged, a few weeks later.